So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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