someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
