I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
