these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
