My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
