final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
