I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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