i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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