his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
