Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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