There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
