So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
