Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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