we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
