when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this just has baby written all over it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
