i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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