i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
