And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
