peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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