i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
