I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
