sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
