I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
