In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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