Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
