I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
