I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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