I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So much rum. So many feels.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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