I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
