I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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