I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
