Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
