she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
