i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
