im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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