she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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