so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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