babies were throwing up all over the place
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
