I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I didn't notice because vodka
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
