Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
