Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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