Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
