Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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