So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
