I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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