Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
