What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
