so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
