I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
