I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
