Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
